Shame and Psychotherapy

Have you ever felt as if you did not deserve something good in your life? Have you ever felt as if you had to sacrifice yourself for others? Have you ever felt as if you are toxic and so is everybody else around you? Well you might be experiencing shame. Shame is everywhere and psychotherapy has many moments where our own shame can pop in to remind you that it is still there. The problem is that mental health professionals sometimes do not have an adequate understanding in shame to help to shift it. I will let you in on a little secret… therapists feel shame too. Shame is contagious and when clients begin to feel their shame it can activate the therapist shame. One way we therapists react to our shame is through intellectualizing our clients, which sometimes feel like a safe enough distance to run from our own shame.

So how would therapy help people not get stuck in their shame? In short go to a therapist that specializes in healing shame. I have been fortunate enough to have been trained by two great psychotherapists, Sheila Rubin MFT and Bret Lyon Ph.D, who taught me that the antidote to shame is interpersonal connection. Their philosophy is that therapists need to work on their own shame first before they can work with clients. Part of that connection comes from therapists being courageous enough to reveal to their clients when their own shame may be coming up, and using the therapist-client relationship to continue reconnecting when shame interrupts. You will know if shame has shifted when all of a sudden you feel revitalized and in your power.