Shame and Psychotherapy

Have you ever felt as if you did not deserve something good in your life? Have you ever felt as if you had to sacrifice yourself for others? Have you ever felt as if you are toxic and so is everybody else around you? Well you might be experiencing shame. Shame is everywhere and psychotherapy has many moments where our own shame can pop in to remind you that it is still there. The problem is that mental health professionals sometimes do not have an adequate understanding in shame to help to shift it. I will let you in on a little secret… therapists feel shame too. Shame is contagious and when clients begin to feel their shame it can activate the therapist shame. One way we therapists react to our shame is through intellectualizing our clients, which sometimes feel like a safe enough distance to run from our own shame.

So how would therapy help people not get stuck in their shame? In short go to a therapist that specializes in healing shame. I have been fortunate enough to have been trained by two great psychotherapists, Sheila Rubin MFT and Bret Lyon Ph.D, who taught me that the antidote to shame is interpersonal connection. Their philosophy is that therapists need to work on their own shame first before they can work with clients. Part of that connection comes from therapists being courageous enough to reveal to their clients when their own shame may be coming up, and using the therapist-client relationship to continue reconnecting when shame interrupts. You will know if shame has shifted when all of a sudden you feel revitalized and in your power.

How I work?

The beauty about psychotherapy is that there are so many ways of working and if there is a block somewhere, there is bound to be a modality or approach that may get a client out of that hurdle. The bad news is that finding the approach that you need can be frustrating, because we have limited time and money. Interestingly enough, when I asked one of my teachers what the best therapy is, he responded “the one that works.” Clients should not feel bad if they do not gel with a certain therapist or her/his interventions. So in order to save you money and time, I will explain about my way of seeing healing and the tools that I use to get my clients to live healthier lives.

I view human beings as capable of remarkable things. Hence, there has always been an element of awe and mystery that has inspired me to learn more about the world. Psychotherapy is one way in which I can continue to delve into the world of the extraordinary, especially to deal with very ordinary day-to-day struggles. The way this is done is through symbols and imagery, which can then be explored for their relevance based on how they play out in a session. From a young age I was drawn to stories of heroes, mythological creatures, wizards, magic, and many other genres of fantasy. An example would be an image of a dark wizard that may come up to represent an alcoholic father. In creating a story to defeat the dark wizard, a client can then begin to feel empowered enough to face their difficult past, but this time with feeling themselves the victor.

Another resource that I draw from is spirituality. I differentiate between spirituality and religion in that the latter helps us to get to the former. Whether it be using rosary beads, candles, trees, prayer, etc., we can tap into a huge reservoir of energy that can be used for our personal transformation. I invite this personal connection to spirit in my session so that each client can surrender into the part of themselves that wishes to be born. And with this transformation, we say goodbye to the old and welcome the new self with open arms.

Experienced clients know that the first part of therapy is establishing trust with the therapist. This forms the basis for any work which takes place afterwards. The stronger the relationship, the more favorable the therapeutic outcome. I approach trust as something that is continually being fortified in each session. There is a healthy interplay between safety and challenge. If there is too much safety then the clients may feel the sessions to be too boring and not receive much from the themes they wish to work. Conversely, if there is too much challenge then the nervous system can become overwhelmed and going back to safety takes precedence over any meaningful processing.

What is healing?

This is a huge topic which I will blog about in more detail. In short I will begin to answer with the following questions: Can you imagine yourself without any mental health symptoms? If you can’t imagine yourself free from any mental health symptoms, can you think of anyone who you would judge as having it together? What would you do or what would your life become if you did not have any mental health symptoms? Perhaps you could make more money or get that promotion you wanted or perhaps you would have a better relationship with your loved ones. I am here to tell you that these things are possible and we can feel into these things with our bodies. I help my clients to use their bodies to guide them as to where they should go in their personal lives.